I didn't dare write a post last week - it just would have been gloom and doom and not pretty. My mind kept going into the nooks and crannies of darkness and despair. I'm not exaggerating either. I had this feeling of impending doom all week in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away. I felt sick in the beginning of the week but gradually felt better physically, however, I couldn't produce a decent thought that was outside of myself and my own misery to save my life. I would go between anger and depression and back again to just plain down and out and wallow in there.By the time that I realized that I hadn't refilled my celexa, I had been without it for about a week. I had been thinking that maybe it was time to start weaning off it because I was doing so well, but now I think I better not try that just yet. I started on it several years ago for depression that was affecting my life. I was having a very hard time dealing with a full time stressful job and a chronic illness that just overwhelmed me. I couldn't sleep and that compounded everything. Celexa helped bring me back into harmony with my life. The relief brought with it an ability to deal with my life and find the goodness in it without dwelling in the negative too long. I still get depressions but I can work my way out and frankly I thought it was more me than the antidepressant. But this recent episode seems to indicate that I still need the med. And maybe learn some more coping skills.
I am writing today about Penny over at "I've got a few things to say"(link on my sidebar). Penny is an educated, single mom whose kids are grown and is a hard working and hard playing gal. She is looking for Mr Right. She is tired of dealing with all of the Mr Right Nows.Penny's posts are usually very witty and deal with life's ups and downs. She has planned her whole wedding with the help of her blogging buddies and you have to check it out - it is seriously funny! She did it all without the hint of a groom present. Now that Michael Jordan is single again, Penny's friends think that she and Michael would make a great couple. The rest of us are pitching in and putting forth the word that she is available in the hope that a google search will eventually lead him right to her!You GO girl. Who said there's no romance left in the world....
I don't know if I can adequately describe how I'm feeling. I didn't make any New Year's resolutions, but I seem to be moving forward. We have a new class, and I love teaching them. I love the idea that in some small way, I am helping my community by placing good caregivers out there. It gives me purpose and meaning and I need that. As I've said before, I thought that I had lost that when I quit full time work in 05. What a gift to be given, helping to make a difference somewhere. My passion has always been my work, and I have that again.
I've also started back in pulmonary rehab, working out and helping my body help itself. My lungs may not work so well, but by exercising, I can make my muscles more efficient so that my lungs send more oxygen to my vital organs. Overall, it feels freaking good. Just the baby steps I've taken this year make me feel more alive and useful and a participant in my own life, not just a victim of lung disease. I think I've finally conquered the denial of COPD, constantly trying to pretend I'm ok when I'm not; past the embarrassment of being a healthcare professional who should have known better. I have this and I'm living to the best of my ability with it and now I'm trying to embrace it and move forward and do more despite the limitations of it.
So that's where I am today, just grateful. Stay tuned for my evil twin who always wants the whine with her cheese.
We're rockin' and rollin' again. I'm back to work this week and I'm exhausted. It's a totally good tired, too. As much as I love to hang around and do nothing but watch TV and movies and eat, I need the real world to keep me going. I need purpose and commitment and people to feel a real sense of well-being.
While I was deep in my journey of self indulgence, I discovered online TV shows. I thought they'd be better than TV because there would be fewer commercials, but alas they also have their share. But it was quite cool to be watching Heroes on my computer. Now I wish I had a laptop! It'd be nice to be all comfy in bed and watch my favorite shows!
I start pulmonary rehab again next week. I am deconditioned and need to work back up so that I don't get so short of breath with every movement. There are other people there with the same problems and we work out on treadmills, bikes, upper body machines and this wonderful invention the Nu-step machine. On the Nu-step, you sit and move your arms like you're cross country skiing and move your legs up and down. It's awesome exercise and the key here is you sit!! I love that machine! I'll be going to rehab twice a week for probably forever. I just can't look at it as forever because then it gets overwhelming for me. But it's something that I have to do to keep myself breathing better.
So the new year is off to a good start. The only dark spot is when I see my pulmonologist next week. I have to find some way to explain the 30 pounds that I gained since I saw him 6 months ago! I don't think he's going to buy my prednisone theory, although it sounds pretty rational to me! I guess I'll have to endure the "look" that always makes me squirm because I've done something wrong...
