Friday, September 19, 2008

A Better Day

I guess it's safe to say that things are better in my head. Thank-you, Dee, for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. Sometimes my mind just can't help taking a trip toward the darker side and it's a bitch getting stuck there.

I've started making a conscious effort to get out of here every day, even if it's just for a little PT Cruising. It's helped me a lot to get out of my own head and see other people and other places besides myself and my apartment. My world has been so small for the past few years, and most especially, the past year.

I am now independent with everything with few exceptions. I still can't go into stores because I'm not walking very far, but for everything else, it's all good. I've come such a long way over the past year, and I am truly grateful that I'm healing and breathing better. I tend to lose sight of that when I get down on myself and my situation. When I think about it, I know that I'm so much better off than many people.

So healthwise, for me things are definitely on the upswing, and each day is another new beginning, with new challenges and possibilities. I am working hard at being the best me I can be, and I hope that family and friends will forgive past no-shows due to illness and injury. It's been a lonely couple of years and I'm eager to participate more in life again.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

An Awful Year

I see that it's been a while since I posted anything. I might not post this one, but I have to write it.

It was a year, on August 25th, since I had fallen and broken my hip and my shoulder. It was on May 12 that I had the surgery on my hip. I was doing well and progressing steadily when I was told by the surgeon that I had to back off a little because the hip hasn't shown adequate healing yet. I knew that it could take up to 6 months to heal, but I didn't imagine the emotions that would come with the prolonged healing.

It's been just over 2 weeks since I was told to stop using the cane if I feel any pain. My spirits have gone steadily downhill since then because I feel pain every time I use the cane.

I am so tired of being home, not able to work, dependent on neighbors for shopping and being so short of breath. I feel like I live the life of someone just waiting to die. I want to swear, hit something, throw things, break everything breakable in sight. Instead, I sit here holding it all tight inside. I am the cheerleader for COPD and the picture of patience. Ha! I'm a seething cauldron of disappointment and fear for my future.

So I constantly beat myself up for not doing things. I could do more exercises, I could clean more, I could do something, anything, that would boost my spirits. Read a book, cook something, call someone. But I can't make myself do anything. And I hate myself for that.

There. I'll let you know if that helped.