An Awful Year

I see that it's been a while since I posted anything. I might not post this one, but I have to write it.

It was a year, on August 25th, since I had fallen and broken my hip and my shoulder. It was on May 12 that I had the surgery on my hip. I was doing well and progressing steadily when I was told by the surgeon that I had to back off a little because the hip hasn't shown adequate healing yet. I knew that it could take up to 6 months to heal, but I didn't imagine the emotions that would come with the prolonged healing.

It's been just over 2 weeks since I was told to stop using the cane if I feel any pain. My spirits have gone steadily downhill since then because I feel pain every time I use the cane.

I am so tired of being home, not able to work, dependent on neighbors for shopping and being so short of breath. I feel like I live the life of someone just waiting to die. I want to swear, hit something, throw things, break everything breakable in sight. Instead, I sit here holding it all tight inside. I am the cheerleader for COPD and the picture of patience. Ha! I'm a seething cauldron of disappointment and fear for my future.

So I constantly beat myself up for not doing things. I could do more exercises, I could clean more, I could do something, anything, that would boost my spirits. Read a book, cook something, call someone. But I can't make myself do anything. And I hate myself for that.

There. I'll let you know if that helped.