Rant

I am so angry, and I hate that because it makes me so short of breath, which makes me even angrier. I am ranting about money.

I am on SSD, and get money monthly. It is a tiny fraction of what I was making as an RN,C. I work part time to feel productive, but let's face it, I need the money too. I just cannot make it from month to month on the disability. So I really count on getting paid for the hours I work. I put plenty of hours in which I don't get paid for, so when I submit the hours, I expect a paycheck. This is payweek, and I was told I would get a check yesterday. Didn't. I was told I would get a check today. Haven't. And this isn't the first time that I have expected a check and didn't get it until days later.

I have been broke for a week. I have no gas, no cat food and other things. I don't spend money on clothing or extravagent things for myself. I will now have to borrow money. I would rather pull my front teeth out myself without novocaine than ask for help. It makes me feel like a loser that I can't manage my finances without asking for someone else to contribute. I feel like I have to explain, and that makes me feel helpless.

I am so sick of paying outrageous prices for the meds I have to take because this country can't get it's act together so that we can obtain good medications at a reasonable price. I look to India to help me out with that.

And healthcare - don't get me started. After I left work, I could only afford COBRA for a few months. I don't qualify for MassHealth because I make "too much" money. I can't get Medicare because there is a 24 month waiting period once you get SSD. My oxygen bill is over $8,000. I owe my PCP and my pulmonary doc about $1,000. I owe the hospital over $7,000 for a 2 day stay for pneumonia last month. Too much money just isn't in my vocabulary.

So while I am waiting for a check that I earned and need, I am full of hostility and anger that it isn't HERE NOW. Right now what I'm going to do is take a deep breath and try to breathe normal, whatever the hell that is these days, and try to relax before I get on the phone and beg for my paycheck.