After the rant

I feel better today after spewing all over the blog about how angry I was yesterday. I am going to pick up my pay and get to the bank before it closes at noon.

I have to admit that it felt good to lash out on screen rather than at everyone around me. No innocent bystanders were hurt in the production of that rant.

Today I can move on and feel some gratitude that I'm still standing, still breathing, and still feeling.

Rant

I am so angry, and I hate that because it makes me so short of breath, which makes me even angrier. I am ranting about money.

I am on SSD, and get money monthly. It is a tiny fraction of what I was making as an RN,C. I work part time to feel productive, but let's face it, I need the money too. I just cannot make it from month to month on the disability. So I really count on getting paid for the hours I work. I put plenty of hours in which I don't get paid for, so when I submit the hours, I expect a paycheck. This is payweek, and I was told I would get a check yesterday. Didn't. I was told I would get a check today. Haven't. And this isn't the first time that I have expected a check and didn't get it until days later.

I have been broke for a week. I have no gas, no cat food and other things. I don't spend money on clothing or extravagent things for myself. I will now have to borrow money. I would rather pull my front teeth out myself without novocaine than ask for help. It makes me feel like a loser that I can't manage my finances without asking for someone else to contribute. I feel like I have to explain, and that makes me feel helpless.

I am so sick of paying outrageous prices for the meds I have to take because this country can't get it's act together so that we can obtain good medications at a reasonable price. I look to India to help me out with that.

And healthcare - don't get me started. After I left work, I could only afford COBRA for a few months. I don't qualify for MassHealth because I make "too much" money. I can't get Medicare because there is a 24 month waiting period once you get SSD. My oxygen bill is over $8,000. I owe my PCP and my pulmonary doc about $1,000. I owe the hospital over $7,000 for a 2 day stay for pneumonia last month. Too much money just isn't in my vocabulary.

So while I am waiting for a check that I earned and need, I am full of hostility and anger that it isn't HERE NOW. Right now what I'm going to do is take a deep breath and try to breathe normal, whatever the hell that is these days, and try to relax before I get on the phone and beg for my paycheck.

Summertime

I am always saying that I don't spend enough time on my own blog but I keep letting it happen. I have been pretty faithfully blogging my pulmonary rehab progress since the beginning of this year over at Breathing Better, Living Well. Rehab has been a huge help to my psyche and my breathing, especially after a recent hospitalization for pneumonia. I thought I would wind up backsliding but ever so slowly, I'm making gains again.

I just got through a training class in July and it's almost time for another class. The last class of students was exhausting. They collectively had the attention span of gnat and were constantly complaining about how we taught them and what we gave them to do, and always seemed to be in the middle of some sort of drama in their personal lives. Thank goodness that's over and now I'm looking forward to a new group at the beginning of the month. I know I'll screen them much better to make sure that they are ready to take on the task of learning. It's always so much fun when students are motivated and really want to learn.

I'm also working on a project to bring free home visits to COPDers. This is exciting work for me and a project that is near and dear to my heart. It's a program to help prevent recurrent hospitalization to a population that could benefit from education and support. It's a nurse-based service but I hope to get referrals from docs who want better outcomes for their patients, and a local hospital that wants to save some money on ER visits and frequent recurrent hospitalizations.

Who knew when I left full time work that I would find so many ways to fill my time that brought me so much happiness! Who needs a summer vacation when you can do what you love and still have time to smell the roses!